She's head honcho, leader of the bridesmaid pack, and official right-hand-woman to the bride. But it's never as simple as that. Here, we address maid-of-honor matters, from fronting cash to handling those feelings of frustration.

Q. I'm honored to be the maid of honor, but I'm stressed about paying for the shower and bachelorette party.   Am I on my own in terms of footing the bill?

A. The bridesmaids are definitely expected to chip in, and if you need to make this explicitly clear to them, do so. The bridesmaids duties and expectations should be explained to them up front.  If she wants to "back out", this is the time to do so.  You can recommend they save all receipts for decorations, gag gifts, shower invitations, etc. (you do the same).  You'll be in charge of tallying the totals and splitting the expenses among the bridesmaids.  Once it's understood that  everyone is paying, you'll enjoy the experience more. If money is an issue for all of you, commit to a budget and work from there. It's just a matter of getting everyone on the same page.


Q: My future daughter-in-law has chosen her mother to be the matron of honor.   Is this an acceptable choice?

A: Absolutely. The honor attendant is the woman the bride feels closest to.  Many brides have said that their best friend is their mom. What a lovely honor to give her on the wedding day. We've heard of grandmother honor attendants, too.  Sometimes blood really is thicker than water.

Q: My 10-year-old daughter is in my wedding as a junior bridesmaid.   I was wondering if there is such a thing as a junior maid of honor? My sister is my maid of honor, and will be handling the pre-wedding planning.

A: A young girl in the role of honor attendant would be called a maiden of honor.  You can absolutely give your daughter that title while your sister remains maid of honor.

Q. I'm the maid of honor in the wedding of my best friend from high school.  The other bridesmaids are friends she made at college, etc.  It's hard to coordinate with a group of women I don't know, and my friend is doing very little to bridge the gaps.   I just told her I wanted to host the shower (in her hometown), and she said she didn't think that was a good idea since she and the other girls want to have it at their favorite restaurant (in the town where they live).  I'm supposed to be leader of the bridesmaids, but I just end up feeling excluded.  Should I throw in the towel altogether?

A. Since your friend is doing nothing to merge past and present, why not organize a casual pizza party or brunch out for the bridal team -- just for the sake of getting to know everyone?  That will make planning the shower, fittings, and bachelorette party together a lot easier.  However, if no one cooperates, it's time for a heart-to-heart with the bride. She needs to know that she's hurting your feelings. Perhaps she's just so caught up in wedding planning that she doesn't realize she and the other girls are being exclusive. If talking doesn't change things, it's up to you whether or not to throw in the towel.

Q. I want to honor both my sister and my best friend with the title of honor attendant. Will etiquette let me get away with having two?

A. There's absolutely no reason you can't have two maids/matrons of honor.  These are the two women you feel closest to, and you want them by your side on your wedding day.  Just be aware that they may squabble over honor attendant duties: who gets to hold the ring, the bouquet, stand right next to you, sign the license, etc.  Just tell them what you specifically want each to do for you.

Q. I have to have two maids of honor -- my older sister, who's like a second mother to me, and my younger sister (we're basically twins - I'm 8 months older).  Who is more honored when is comes to the ceremony?

A. It's up to you and your two honor attendants to decide who walks where and does what during the ceremony (adjust your train, hold your bouquet, hand you the groom's ring, etc.).  This can be tricky, because there's lots of pride and jealousy involved.  You and your sisters should probably sit down together and decide on the responsibilities.  That way you'll see what's important to everyone (maybe one sister couldn't care less about holding your bouquet, while the other is dying to do so).  If you feel you need to come up with extra duties so that each sister will feel needed and special, do that.  Maybe one can light a candle, read a poem, or participate in an ethnic or cultural ceremony ritual.

Q. I'd like my maid of honor to stand out from the others.  How can I have her dress be different, but in keeping with the conventions of the others?

A. There are lots of ways you can make your MOH stand out.  If you decide that all three maids will wear the same dress, consider a matching scarf, jacket, or wrap for your honor attendant.  Or perhaps she can wear a dress in the same color as the others but in a different style.  Maybe the maids' gowns have cap sleeves, and hers is strapless.  Or put all the maids in the same style dress, with your honor attendant in a different but complementary shade of blue.  Another option?  Have her bouquet larger than the other maids.

Q. On the day of the wedding, how much do I really have to "attend" the bride?  Are we talking every second?

A. That will depend on how high maintenance the bride is.  She may want you to sleep over at the hotel with her, take her calls while she's in the shower, run out to get her cigarettes, and more.  Plan on being there for her from the moment she wakes up to the moment she walks down the aisle.  Some brides may just want moral support, help with buttons, and calming words.  Others may be more demanding.  Either way, it's going to be a very exciting day for both of you.  Try to keep her calm and enjoy her day.

Q: Is it customary for the maid of honor to give a speech at the reception?  Should I be prepared just in case?

A: It's definitely a trend for the maid of honor to go head-to-head with her male counterpart in toasting the newlyweds.  It's not mandatory, but it's a wonderful idea.  Why should the best man speak while the maid of honor remains silent?  If you want to make a toast, it's a good idea to prepare in advance.  Think about your relationship to the bride, some of the highlights of your friendship, the first time she told you about her fiance, etc.  Cnsult romantic literary passages and favorite love songs for inspiration.

Bridesmaids

Q. Most of my bridal party is from out of town.  They will most likely need to stay in a hotel for two to three nights.  Is it their responsibility to pay for their hotel rooms?  Or is the  bride's family?  Also, would it be okay to split the cost with the attendants as a possible compromise?
 
 A. Generally, the attendants are responsible for paying their own way, just like they pay for what they'll wear to your wedding and for getting there.  And usually, if you have out-of-towners in for your wedding, you'll be able to reserve a block of rooms at a discount, which ought to help them save cash.  Splitting the cost is perfectly fine, but know that you and your family shouldn't be expected to pay.
 
 Q. I'm scared to ask my sister to be in the bridal party because, come wedding time, she's going to be very pregnant.  What is the proper way to handle a pregnant bridesmaid situation?
 
 A. She can still be in the wedding party when she's pregnant!  She can wear an empire-style dress: the waist hits right below the bust line, and the dress falls from there, leaving lots of room for a pregnant tummy.  Or, choose a maternity dress in the same color or fabric as the other bridesmaids' dresses. Some bridal companies offer maternity bridesmaid dress.  Then, on the wedding day itself, just make sure there's a chair she can use during the ceremony, so she won't have to stand the entire time.
 
 Q. My friend, the bride, has gone berserk!  I have never encountered a more selfish person in my life.  I just broke up with my boyfriend and my parents are getting a divorce, yet every time I see her, she complains that I don't pay any attention to her (and this after I addressed all her invitations, went dress shopping with her six times, and threw two separate bridal showers).  I'm starting to think that I should just tell her I don't want to be in her wedding anymore.
 
 A. It's funny how slipping a ring on someone's finger can turn her into a fierce, self-centered creature from another planet.  Weddings are unlike any other event in our lives.  There's so much emotion and expectation inherent in the marriage process that sometimes brides can't see beyond themselves.  It sounds like this particular bride could use a little perspective.  However, dropping out of someone's bridal party is a very bold statement, devastating to the bride and sure to end the friendship.  If you're not ready to give this friend up, you need to set her straight.  If that doesn't work, she may not be worth having as a friend.  If you want to keep her as a friend, be sensitive to her fragile emotional state and write the experience off.  Once she returns from the honeymoon, she may be back to her old loveable self.
 
 Q. Am I required to give my bridal team "thank you" gifts?  How much do I spend?
 
 A. Think of it this way -- your maids are really putting themselves out for you.  To remain in their good graces, show your gratitude by gifting them properly. Many brides give out gifts at the rehearsal dinner.  Sometimes it's something the girls can wear on the day of the wedding, like a necklace or a bracelet.  Other brides say thanks with a magazine subscription, wedding keepsakes, or special gifts handpicked with each attendant's interests/tastes in mind.  As for a price range, it depends entirely on your budget.  We think spending $25-$75 is a safe bet.
 
 
 Q. Help, help, help!  I have four best friends and a sister and I am torn about who to ask to be in the wedding!  It's not big enough to have them all (only 100 guests)!
 
 A. Scrap the x amount of attendants to x amount of guests "rule."  In your case, the proportion of five attendants to 100 guests is perfectly appropriate.  And if these women are your best friends, that's reason enough to have them all in your wedding party.
 
 Q. One of my bridesmaids has dropped out of our wedding party.  Is it okay to have two groomsmen walk with one maid?
 
 A. Having two groomsmen escort a bridesmaid, one on each arm, is completely acceptable.
 
 Q. Is it appropriate to inform my bridesmaids of their traditional roles so that they are not confused?  Personally, I would find it helpful, but others might find it presumptuous.  How can I offer this information to my wedding party without sounding ungrateful to any assistance they may offer?
 
 A. A fun and unthreatening way to let everybody know what her duties are (and/or what you expect of each of them) is to send out a newsletter detailing all to-dos and other essential information.  That way, everyone is privy to everyone else's duties, and no one will feel as though she's been directly targeted.  You're probably right that most people will find it helpful to have their responsibilities explained, because they might be fully in the dark.  Be sure to include a huge "thank you" to everyone for being a part of the wedding early on in your newsletter -- your team will be much more receptive to a grateful-sounding summons.
 
 Q. We have decided not to have attendants.  Each of us would like to be escorted down the aisle by both our parents.  His mother says this isn't appropriate.  I know it's unusual, but is there really a reason why we must have attendants?  We will have our parents sign as our witnesses.
 
 A. The only thing attendants must do is serve as witnesses and sign your marriage certificate, and your parents can fill those roles.  So no, there's no other reason that you need attendants in addition to your parents.
 
 Q. Who should I seat next to whom at the head table?  Is it boy/girl, or all the bridesmaids on one side and the groomsmen on the other?  Do I include the flower girl and ring bearer?
 
 A. Technically, the head table is boy/girl -- starting with the best man next to the bride and the maid of honor next to the groom.  But you don't have to do it that way -- you could put the women on the bride's side and men on the groom's, or let everyone sit wherever they want.  Young children in the wedding usually sit with their parents at another table.
 
 Q. I asked my future sister-in-law to be one of my bridesmaids, and she gave me a very vague answer.  How can I nicely encourage her to answer now?  How should I handle her saying "no"?
 
 A. Sounds like your sister-in-law-to-be is not enthusiastic about the prospect of being in your wedding.  This does not mean she's evil, and you shouldn't feel slighted.  Maybe the two of you don't know each other very well yet, or maybe she would feel better being with her own family on the wedding day instead of with your close female friends and relatives.  Just call her and tell her that you're ordering the dresses now, and if she's not comfortable with the idea of being a bridesmaid, you understand.  She'll probably be relieved to know you're not angry.
 

Q. When selecting bridesmaids' attire, what is the proper etiquette?

A. There's no real etiquette on how much a bride should involve her bridesmaids in the choosing of dresses, but the more input she allows them the better.  It's important for your maids to like the dresses and to feel comfortable.  She could round you guys up and try to collectively agree on a style and shade.  Or each of you could talk to the bride separately, expressing your preferences.  On the first shopping trip, the bride may want to take just her maid of honor along to scout things out.  Then, when they narrow it down to a few styles, the rest of you can try on the dresses and give opinions.

Q. What is the proper order in which to line up your bridesmaids and groomsmen?  I was under the impression that you have them in the order of who is important in your life.  Someone else said you put them in order by height.

A. This can get sticky.  Do the height thing only if you care about that sort of thing for the pictures, etc.  That might save you some grief.  If you go the other route, though, handle the "you're important to me" approach with care.  You don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers.  Maybe arrange the girls in order of how long you have known each bridesmaid: family first, then friends, and so on.  But you see how even this plan has the potential to hurt feelings.  Maybe the best thing to do is let your attendants decide the order among themselves.


Q. Is it okay for bridesmaids to wear a dress that's similar to the bride's?

A. Not only is it okay, some people would argue that it's absolutely necessary.  No matter what the bride and her bridesmaids wear, the dress designs and styles should complement each other.  Bridesmaid dresses that are too different end up looking bizarre.


Q. Do bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses?

A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included).  If you think the cost is going to be an issue, voice your concerns to the bride.  Hopefully, she'll choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting you choose your own.  She may give you some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and then each of you would choose something that suits your standards.  That way, you decide how much to spend.

Q. Who pays for the bridal shower?  Just the maid of honor?  Can we ask for contributions?

A. Whomever is hosting the shower (it's usually the maid of honor with help from the bridesmaids) should handle footing the bill.  So no, you shouldn't ask for contributions from guests, even if the soiree is at a restaurant.  That said, there are many budget-friendly ways to plan, and maybe the bride's Mom or Grandma will slip you a $20 or two.


Q. Who pays for bridesmaids' hair and makeup?

A. If the bride wants her attendants to have their hair and makeup done professionally, it's a nice gesture for her to offer to pay for these services on the morning of the wedding.  The attendants are already paying for their dresses and -- if they don't live in the wedding city -- for travel and accommodations.  They should not be expected to pay for professional hair and makeup as well.

Q. My best friend is a guy.  And honestly, he's the only person I want to stand up for me as my honor attendant.  Is this acceptable? I can't  put him in a bridesmaid dress.  How do I handle this?

A. Call him your honor attendant, your man of honor, or best person.  More and more brides and grooms are having close friends of the opposite sex stand up for them.  He should wear whatever the groomsmen are wearing (no, he doesn't have to wear a dress)  And don't make him throw you a girly shower.  Make sure he is comfortable with his role.  Also, let your photographer know that he should be photographed as one of  your attendants in group wedding-party pictures, so he doesn't get shoved in with all the groom's guys.

Junior Bridesmaid

Q. Is a nine-year-old girl a flower girl or a junior bridesmaid?

A. The role of junior bridesmaid is appropriate for young ladies aged 9-14.  They walk down the aisle with the other maids, in a dress that's perhaps not as sophisticated as the other dresses.  It's also an opportunity for her to get more involved in planning the shower and to lend a hand with other pre-wedding tasks. She'll probably get a kick out of being treated like a big kid.

Q. What do you do if your 12-year-old junior bridesmaid looks like she's about 25?

A. Use your best judgment.  If she's 12-going-on-25 in the looks and maturity department, it might make sense to make her a full-fledged bridesmaid.  No one will be concerned with formality (i.e., whether or not her age actually qualifies her to claim bridesmaid status).  If you think she'll be right at home with the more mature bridesmaids, don't go out of your way to complicate things.  It's okay to give her a promotion.

Q. Does a groomsman escort a junior bridesmaid down the aisle, or is that just for bridesmaids?

A. The junior bridesmaid definitely gets an escort.   You can pair her up with the youngest groomsman or the one you feel most comfortable about.  But a junior shouldn't have to walk down the aisle by herself (as opposed to the flower girl).  However, if you want her to have a moment in the spotlight and walk alone, you can certainly factor it into the processional plan.

Q. Is it inappropriate to have a 13-year-old junior bridesmaid walked down the aisle with a groomsman who's 15 years her senior?

A. Most processionals involve bridesmaids pairing off with groomsmen who are not a husband, boyfriend, or even a remote love interest.  There's no sexual implication in this formality, and besides, your junior bridesmaid's escort will hopefully be nothing less than a perfect gentleman.  If you're still uncomfortable, you have a couple of options.  Your junior bridesmaid can walk alone and enjoy a moment in the spotlight, you can pair her up with another bridesmaid, or have one of the groomsman escort her and another bridesmaid on his other arm to create a handsomely platonic triplet.

Q. What does a junior bridesmaid wear?

A. If the bridesmaid dresses are on the sexy side, consider having a seamstress create a more youthful version .   If your bridesmaids are wearing strapless dresses, add straps to your junior bridesmaids dress, to make it more age appropriate.  You can use fabric that is cut off the bottom of her dress when it is hemmed to make the straps.  The best bridesmaid dresses look good on ladies of all ages.  Hopefully, you'll be able to find one that's appropriate for everyone.

Note: Keep in mind that your junior bridesmaid may be going through puberty.  This means she might unexpectedly gain weight, shed weight, shoot up five inches, sprout a bustline, or otherwise change shape in a very short span of time.  Let her parents know to hold off on her dress fittings (alterations) until as late as possible.  We will assist you in making the decision on how late to wait for alterations.

Q. Are junior bridesmaids invited to the bachelorette party?

A. It should go without saying that a junior bridesmaid attending the bachelorette party might not be a good idea.  Especially if you're doing a pub crawl or going to a strip club.    She, or course, is not of legal age.  But even if you're partying at home, and feel uncomfortable having her around, it's okay to not invite her. The bride can tell her it's an adults-only thing.   The bride should arrange a special outing for just the two of them.  Plus, the junior bridesmaid can always look forward to attending the showers.

Flower Girls

Q. Can I have flower girls in lieu of bridesmaids?

A: How sweet!  In Victorian England, having child attendants was all the rage, and it's still a popular British custom.  Your only problem?  Making sure that the women (or men) close to you are still on board to help out with pre-wedding tasks, throwing a shower, and much more.  Even the cutest flower girls in the world can't provide you with the help you'll need.  So if you go the flower girl route, make sure to publicly thank the fairy godmothers who help to make your wedding happen (in the program or at the reception) and throw in a nice gift, too.

Q. My daughter is a flower girl in my brother's wedding.  We've had conversations about her attire, but it's unclear who's paying.  I want her to look picture perfect, too, but what's the deal?

A. Usually, child attendants' parents pay for their clothes, but the bride and groom will sometimes purchase a flower girl's dress (or a ring bearer's adorable little suit) as a gift.  Ask your brother in plain terms, so that there are no misunderstandings.  If they're receptive, maybe you can split it, or, you pay for dress, they pay for, shoes, gloves, etc.  Just keep in mind that, like bridesmaids and groomsmen, agreeing to be in the wedding generally means you're willing to purchase an outfit.  So, we say, try to purchase a flower girl dress that can be worn again.  Depending on the time of year, and how fast the child grows, maybe the dress can be worn again for Easter Sunday, Christmas or used for her First Communion.

Q. There are some concern about inviting our 6-year-old flower girl (a cousin) to the rehearsal dinner, especially since the reservation is for 8pm. My fiance's mother does not want to invite her to the dinner because she is so young.  My parents disagree since she is part of the wedding party.  I can understand both points of view, but I don't know what we would do with her after the rehearsal.  Who makes the call?  The host (my fiance's mom) or the couple?

A. There's no strict etiquette whether or not child attendants are invited to the rehearsal dinner.  It is up to you ("you" meaning the couple and the hosts of the party, often the groom's parents).  It's perfectly appropriate to invite her to the dinner, since she will be at the rehearsal, especially if her parents will be there.   Maybe your fiance's mother doesn't want to pay for the extra person or thinks she would not behave appropriately.  Speak to the child's parents about how they feel.   Maybe they already have a plan (i.e., a babysitter is coming to pick her up at 9:30).

Q. I'm a bridesmaid, and the bride's having her baby sister as the flower girl.  I mean, she's cute, but I really don't want to have to be in charge of policing a 4-year-old's every move.  Is "babysitting" her one of my duties?

A. Yes and no.  For the day of the wedding, the bride may ask you to check her sister's appearance before she goes down the aisle, smooth her braids, fix her hair ribbon, etc.  You might also have to take her to the restroom a couple of times.  You can handle this, we know you can! As for the reception, we think you're off the hook.  Parents will probably take charge, anyway.  When it comes to partying, you're free to run with an older crowd.

Q. Does the flower girl stand in the receiving line?

A. Not usually, but if she's daughter to one of the newlyweds, then she should definitely be included.  This is a big day for her, too.
 

Invitations

Q. How far in advance should you send invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card?
A. Ideally, invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding.  That gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners.  It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier.  You should check with your caterer about the date for the reply card.  It will be based on how soon they have to have a head count.  At the very latest, guests should receive invitations four weeks in advance, and you should get responses back two weeks before the big day.

Q. We're in a tizzy over announcements versus invitations.  The groom grew up in a very small town 2,000 miles away from the wedding city. We're afraid that feelings will be hurt if we don't invite everyone from his hometown, but we know the trip will be impossible for 95 percent of them.  Help!
A. Even if you're pretty sure certain guests won't be able to attend the wedding, it's a nice gesture to invite them.  Who knows, they might decide to attend.  And if not, they'll feel good knowing that they were invited.  Announcements should be used to let friends, family, and possibly professional colleagues who were not invited to the wedding (for whatever reason)  know that the wedding took place.  Invitations are sent to those people whom the families want at the wedding.  Let the recipients decide on their own whether they can attend or not.  If you're right and most of them can't come, you might consider having a second reception or party in the groom's hometown after the couple returns from their honeymoon.

PROPER WORDING
Q. We are paying for our own wedding, and both of the families are giving us some money to help.  We would like our invitation to show that both sets of parents (with their names mentioned), along with the bride and groom, are hosting the wedding.  Is there a way to word this?

A. This wording suggests that you two are hosting in conjunction with your parents
Tina Maria Smith
and
John Michael Douglass
together with their parents
Barbara and Robert Smith
and
Bob and Jane Douglass
request the honor of your presence

. 

Q. I am coordinating a friend's wedding and have been asked to do the wording for her invitations.  She and her fiance are sponsoring their own wedding, but both want to honor their parents.  The bride's mother is deceased.   However, she wants her mother's name to appear on the invitation.  What is the proper way to do this?  Is it proper to mention a deceased parent in this way?
A. The invitation is issued by those who are hosting the wedding.  Therefore, someone who has passed away unfortunately can't do so.  Perhaps you can suggest that she write a tribute to her mom to include in her ceremony program.  Or maybe a candle is lit for her, her favorite song is played, or her favorite piece of scripture is read, and the significance is noted in the program.  The bride may even want to give a toast at the reception, during which she remembers her mother. Try to explain to her that including her mom's name on the invite will seem awkward to guests.  It's better to remember her mother on the occasion of the wedding, when the gesture will seem beautiful and moving, instead.

As for honoring parents on the invitation (assuming her dad is still alive), you might suggest this:
Jane Marie Darling
and
John Michael Rooney
together with their parents
This way, all the parents are honored (you could even argue that the spirit of mom is included in that simple sentence), but you don't get into specifics.

Q. We are having a Saturday afternoon reception that includes a cocktail hour and a full dinner.  How do I let guests know that it's not just an afternoon informal brunch?  I would like it to be formal attire but not black tie.
A. One of the best ways to let guests in on the fact that the wedding is formal is with the invitations.  Get ultra-formal, traditional ones.  Give your guests the benefit of the doubt, too.   If they receive a formal invitation from you, and read where your wedding is being held, you can probably trust them to dress appropriately.

Q. We are getting married at a local hotel located on the beach.  The ceremony will be held outside, with the reception following in a banquet room inside.  It seems almost silly to have a separate reception card with the same location, but I have no idea how to put it all on the wedding invitation.
A. All you have to do is add a single line to the bottom of your ceremony invitation that says "Reception to follow."  It's well known that "Reception to follow" means it is at the same location.  Have your minister, justice of the peace, etc. make an announcement at the end of the ceremony letting the guests know which room the reception will be in.  Make sure your ushers know where to direct guests, so they're all taking the most convenient route to the reception area.

ADDRESSING THE INVITE
Q. Do couples who live together but aren't married receive a single invitation or separate invitations?
A. Unmarried couples who live together receive a single invitation because they are a couple.  Address it the same way you would address the invitation of a married couple with different last names, alphabetically, on separate lines on the outer envelope:
Ms. Janine Myers
Mr. Richard Stevenson

The inner envelope would read:
Ms. Myers and Mr. Stevenson
or
Janine & Richard

Q. How should you address an invitation to a widow?  What about a divorced woman who has retained her married name?  And what about those who are bringing "significant others" who do not live with them?  Can I send just one invitation or do I have to send one to each of them?
A. A widow is traditionally addressed as "Mrs. John Jones".  But, if you feel the guest may not want to be addressed that way, it's totally okay to ask her how she prefers to be addressed.  A divorced woman who has kept her married name should be addressed as you suggested, "Ms. Jane Johnson".  As far as a couple who does not live together, technically you should send each their own invitation, but it's not horrible to simply send the invitation to one of them. Maybe the person you're closer to, with both names listed alphabetically (each on its own line) on the outer envelope.

Q. How do you address an invitation to a married couple, both of whom are doctors?
A. If a wife and husband are both doctors, the outer and inner envelopes should be addressed to: "The Doctors Rosenthal".  It's that simple!  If they are married, but have different last names, list both names, in alphabetical order (on separate lines).  "Dr. Rosenthal" and on the next line, "Dr. Schwartz".

Q. What if the woman is a doctor and the man is not?  Does the woman's name come first because of her title?
A. Yes, the spouse with the professional title is listed first.  Outer envelope: "Dr. Kate Randolph, Mr. Brian Randolph".  Or, "Dr. Kate Randolph and Mr. Brian Randolph" (if it fits on one line).  The inner envelope would read:  "Dr. Randolph and Mr. Randolph" or "Dr. and Mr. Randolph".

Q. How do I address an invitation envelope to a lesbian couple?  I want to invite my sister and her partner, who had an exchange of vows ceremony a few years ago, where my sister took her partner's last name.
A. You have a couple of options, depending on how formal you want to address the envelopes.  Because you won't be saying "Mr. and Mrs.", for a formal invite you'll probably want to address it this way:  "Ms. Joan McDermott, Ms. Theresa McDermott".  This way, you're not saying "Ms. and Ms.", which would sound awkward.  Joan comes before Theresa alphabetically.  Another option, if you don't want to use titles or put the two on separate lines, since they are, in effect, married is "Joan and Theresa McDermott".  No matter which way you address the outer envelope, the inner envelope should read "The McDermott's."

Q. We're having a small wedding.  Do we have to invite Mr. Smith "and Guest"?  One friend told me that if a guest is not seriously dating someone, I can just address the invite to Mr. Smith.   He will know he's not supposed to invite someone.  Is that true?  What do I do if such guests reply for two anyway?
A. Most guests will understand that without "and Guest" or another name on the invitation, it's meant for them alone.  Especially if you are having a small wedding.   You probably aren't going to invite everyone to bring an escort, unless it's a fiance(e) and/or a serious significant other.  Technically, you're never supposed to write "and Guest".  Instead, you should find out the name of the significant other.  What to do if some clueless souls reply for two?  Call them up and explain that you're having an intimate wedding and, unfortunately, you were not able to invite everyone with a guest.  They should understand that.

Q. Is it improper to have the outside envelope addresses printed in a fancy font on the printer, or should they be handwritten?
A. Some will say a font that looks amazingly like cursive writing is acceptable, but we don't necessarily agree.  Etiquette does say that you should never print addresses with a computer, but always handwrite them.  Remember, a wedding is an extremely intimate and personal event, and your invitations should reflect that.  If it's a matter of time, or you've got 500 invitations to address, enlist the help of your mom, your sisters, your bridesmaids, and anyone else who's got nice handwriting to help.  It's just one of those tedious chores that have to be done.

Q. Do you put a return address on the wedding invitations?
A. You don't necessarily have to have one printed on your outer envelopes, but it's a good idea to handwrite a return address on the back flap.  Just in case you get a guest's address wrong, the post office will know where to return the invitation.  The return address should be that of the person whom you've designated to receive response cards. Whether it the bride's mother, the groom's mother, or the couple themselves.  The response card envelope or postcard should be printed with this address.

RESPONDING TO AN INVITE
Q. What do RSVP and "Regrets Only" mean?  Also, do you have to respond if not attending?
A. RSVP is short for the French phrase, "Repondez, s'il vous plait," which means, simply, "Please respond".  That means you should respond either way, whether you're able to make it or not.  If the couple has included a response card or postcard with the invitation, it's easy.  Just send the card back saying you will or will not attend.  If there's no response card included, you should let the couple know whether you will be attending or not.  You can send a note letting them know or you can call them.  If you don't respond, the couple will be forever wondering who will be attending or will be forced to call you to verify your attendance.  Don't give them more to do,  just send your card back.  "Regrets" or "Regrets Only" means that only guests who can't make it need to respond.  This way, the couple assumes that if you don't respond, you are coming.

Q. What are the etiquette rules on response cards?
A. The first thing you should do after receiving a wedding invitation is respond promptly.  Everything, from seating arrangements to placing the liquor order, is riding on your response.  If an RSVP card is enclosed, feel free to add a more personal note of congratulations or explanation of regret.

STICKY SITUATIONS
Q. My parents' friend called to say that her daughters and their husbands have not received invitations to the wedding.  They didn't receive invitations because we didn't invite them.  Should we?  We invited them both to the engagement party and the shower.  Are we obligated to invite them to the wedding even if we aren't close to either daughter?
A. If they were present at your shower, you really should invite them.  Shower guests should always be only people you're planning on inviting to the wedding. Here's why.  The shower is, by definition, a gift-giving party, an opportunity for your closest friends and relatives to help outfit you for your new home and life.  If you invite someone to the shower, but not to the wedding, they may feel as though they were only invited to the shower (and engagement party, for that matter) because you wanted gifts from them.  These are your parents' friends' family, so these guests probably should have been on your parents' section of the guest list. This decision is now up to you.  If you don't invite them, you (or more likely, your parents) may face conflict with them.

Q. Although my brother is marrying out of my family's faith, my parents (and family) have tried to be very supportive.  My grandmother has just received the invitation and it says, "Bride's parents invite you to the wedding of bride and groom," with no mention of my parents.  My parents are very hurt.  The only thing we can think of is that in the bride's faith it isn't customary to include the groom's parents' names.  Is that true?
A. A "traditional" Christian wedding invitation does not include the groom's parents' names.  This goes back to the concept of the bride's parents "giving her away."  These days that's no longer the case, and many couples include all of their parents' names on the invites.  It sounds like your brother's fiance's family went the traditional route and were not aware that it would offend your parents.  Since not much can be done now, hopefully your parents will see that it was probably an oversight due to your families' different backgrounds, and not more than that.  Encourage your brother and his fiance to make a special toast to honor your parents as well.

Don't Do List

Most brides spend way too much time worrying about all the things they can’t control: Will the florist use the wrong shade of pink roses? Will the limo be late? Will the sky darken to black and cast acidic hail onto the garden ceremony, blinding flower girls and grandparents? In reality, the things that ruin a wedding have more to do with how the bride and groom behave before and during the event. In other words, when the guests of honor lose it, the rest of the party follows right behind.  To help you stay in check, we’ve collected our biggest don’ts—what we deem to be the worst, and most common, offenses a couple can make. (Notice we did not include “drunken public brawling” on this list—we figure you already know that doing something you can be arrested for should probably be avoided.)

Don’t Send Vague Invites
Nobody knows what “and family” means.  Well, they might know but you don’t want to give anyone the chance to interpret this phrase to mean whatever it can mean.  List the names of everyone, including children and babies, you’re inviting on the inner envelope of the invitation (if you have one), or on the outside envelope if you don’t.  Guests will (we hope) notice to whom the invite is addressed.  If it’s unclear, you might theoretically expect a busload of cousins.

Don’t Use Your Wedding as a Weapon
Creating the guest list is an incredibly difficult task that becomes even more overwhelming when you begin to play politics with family and friends.  This is not the time to try to fix decade-long family wounds, nor is it the time to punish recent transgressions with an empty mailbox.  It’s a wedding—it’s just one day, as well as a declaration of principle, rolled into one sticky situation.  The key is to have a sense of how your immediate choices will affect long-term results.  As much as we hate to admit it, who you do and don’t invite will be remembered, so act carefully.

Don’t Ask For Gifts
Can you include where you’re registered on your invitations?  No, No, Please, No.  It’s just not polite to request gifts of any kind.  The reality is that no one is ever obligated to buy you a gift for your wedding.  You’ll expect it, it’s polite, it’s the socially acceptable thing to do, but it’s not a requirement, like knowing the address of the ceremony.  If you have more specific requests, like you want cash or you want donations to a specific charity, this information should be passed along by word of mouth or noted on your wedding website.

Don’t Make Them Wait
The party doesn’t start until the happy couple arrives.  If you really want to take pictures after the ceremony and we can’t persuade you otherwise, make sure that you don’t arrive more than one hour late to the reception.  This means that by the time guests have transitioned from the cocktail hour to the dinner hour, you are there.  You should also avoid a big time lapse between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception.  Keep this in mind when you are choosing your sites. If it can’t be avoided and you will have an hour or more to kill, rent a trolley or comfy bus to transport guests on a tour of the town.

Don’t Talk About Money
Whether it was a great money-saving deal or a decadent outpouring of cash, keep it to yourself.  Take the compliment and move on.  If you are constantly justifying, “My gown was like $3,000, but you only have one wedding!” or “The favors look expensive but I got them online for 75 cents each!” you are advertising to guests that you feel uncomfortable about the money that has been spent.  Remember that you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, while it might feel like bonding, doing so is really just a way of showing off or putting yourself down, both of which point to insecurities.

Don’t Make Guests Pay
When you decide not to elope you are committing to a party, the size of which you control (in theory).  So you must also commit to the costs associated with that party, and choose your vendors and locations based on a budget.  Because these things are within your control, there is no excuse for making guests pay for drinks, or parking or entrance fees (or anything) at your wedding.  If you can’t afford an open bar all night long, have one for just one hour, or serve just beer and wine.  It’s not your responsibility to have the most lavish wedding possible, but you must make your guests feel welcome.

Don’t Register Out of Reach
We are all for registering for the fabulous things you have always wanted and encourage you to dream big, however that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have options at all price points.  You never know what someone’s financial situation might be (even if you think you do), and having to go into debt because all your requested items start at $100 will only cause people to feel bitter and none too excited about your impending nuptials.  Register at a variety of places (Tiffany and Target) and give everyone the chance to buy you something you love.

Don’t Harass Your Maids
Whoa, can brides get testy.  You’ve probably said it yourself when you were a bridesmaid crammed into a dress you hated and forced into what felt like slave labor for weeks.  Think that now is your chance to get back?  Oh, come on—you’re better than that.  Don’t become a living, breathing, running joke.  Even if you’ve never been a maid yourself, you can still imagine what it feels like to spend a lot of money and have so little influence over your own fate.  Please don’t ask your bridesmaids to lose weight, alter their appearance, work repeated weekends, or do anything you wouldn't want to do.

Don’t Get Drunk
Truth is we’re the first to grab the champagne at a party but, more importantly, we also know when to put it down.  You’re likely to be both nervous and excited on your wedding day and you’ll be far more inclined to soothe your soul with another glass of wine than you would on a normal day.  But, add alcohol to an empty stomach (too busy meeting and greeting) and you have a recipe for a very unpredictable and potentially unpleasant evening.  Some brides report that with so much adrenaline pumping they found it almost impossible to even get a buzz (we have no medical data on this, but it makes sense).  Just to be safe, put one of your more watchful maids on drink duty—she can get you drinks and keep track.

Uninvited Guests, Dressing Too Sexy and Too Much Alcohol

Getting Wasted
Some people regard weddings as a free and easy drinkfest, which can be embarrassing for everyone, not just the most inappropriate person.  Friends don’t let friends act ridiculous at weddings, especially when there is a photographer and videographer around to document it all.  Arrange for chartered buses or vans to transport guests after the party en masse to their accommodations.  Better safe than sorry!

Dressing Too Sexy
There’s always a showboat, someone who’s so insecure they won’t allow you your 15 minutes, even on your wedding day.  How to deal with them?  Ignore them.

Not Replying
RSVP=R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  It’s ghastly, we know, but there will guests who simply won’t reply to your wedding invite, leaving you no choice but to call and harass them.

Uninvited Guest
There’s bound to be someone who thinks they are welcome with a guest, whether you say so or not.  Make sure it is clear on your invitations exactly who is invited, and have the word spread among friends that not everyone is invited with date.  Check response cards carefully, and break the news to anyone who breaks the rules.

Gift Giving on Location
Bringing anything bigger than a check is simply an inconvenience.  When a guest arrives with a boxed toaster oven or bath towels, it means someone else will be driving around town delivering the goods post wedding.  Be sure to include a shipping address on your registry so people can send gifts directly to you.

 

Showers

The medling of friends and family at your engagement party can be tricky territory.  A breach of etiquette or careless comment -- from you or a guest, intentionally or not -- can set the stage for hurt feelings to fester.  Here's our top etiquette tips for planning and working a party that will pave the way for stronger -- not strained -- relationships.

Q: Who must I invite to my bridal shower -- every female invited to the wedding, or just the ones I know well?

A: Unless you're having an intimate wedding, you needn't invite every female wedding guest.  Shower guests generally include the bride's closest female friends and relatives, and sometimes those of the groom (especially if his mother is hosting or helping to plan the party). All shower guests should be invited to the wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone who's invited to the wedding has to attend the shower.

Q: My girlfriend and I want to give a luncheon bridal shower for our friend at a restaurant.  Who pays for the meal?  My girlfriend says each guest should pay for her own meal, but I want to do the right thing.

A: If you two are hosting the shower and inviting the guests, then you two should pay for it.  If a luncheon seems too expensive, think about tea or dessert instead, or have the luncheon at one of your homes.  It's cheaper to come up with a menu and cook it yourselves than to plan a restaurant event.

Q. Is it true that if the bride's relatives host her shower it seems like the relatives are soliciting gifts?  Is this considered inappropriate?

A. Moms, sisters, or other relatives can throw bridal showers -- it's no longer a huge wedding faux pas, because now it's practical.  More brides and grooms are living in cities other than the one where they grew up, and their attendants may be from college, where they live now, or elsewhere.  What if the wedding is in the bride's hometown, but none of the maids live there?  It's unrealistic to expect a maid of honor in Seattle to plan a shower in Chicago without help from the locals. Faraway bridesmaids and honor attendants definitely pitch in, but Mom is often party central these days, and no one's horrified.

Q. I am the MOH for a friend who attended the same college I attend now, but she dropped out and lives five hours away.  Since most of her college friends are still here, could I host a shower without the bride, due to distance and end-of-semester time constraints?

A. You could -- perhaps it could be a work party, wrapping and packing gifts for the bride.  Everyone can write her a note of congratulations, or recount a great time in their friendship with her, or share memories about when she first met her fiance.  You could also round everyone up and call her on the phone -- better yet, make her a video!  You really can get creative with a "shower" for a bride who can't attend, but it'll probably be more fun if she can take a road-trip to school for the weekend.  Try your best to make that happen.

Q. I am the maid of honor -- for the second time -- in my friend's second wedding.  She doesn't want a shower -- she's having a family wedding luncheon and not inviting many friends.  What should I do?

A. Any maid of honor's job -- be it a first wedding or an eighth or ninth -- is to be there for the bride, listen to her wishes, and act accordingly.  Your bride says no shower?  That's one less thing for you to do!  I do understand, though, that as the MOH you want to do something nice for her.  Think high tea for two -- if she's not into tea, consider going out for coffee, drinks, or dinner, or try a spa for massages.  The idea is to do something together -- your treat -- to celebrate her upcoming wedding.

Q. We have ordered 25 beautiful invitations.  Should the bride get one, or is her invitation implied, since she is the guest of honor?

A. Many showers are a surprise (even if the bride knows it's coming), so the bride doesn't get an invite.  If she does know about the shower, I think you're right: It's understood that as the guest of honor, she'll be there (you, as hostess, will make sure of that!).  Still, an invite makes a great keepsake.  You might want to set one aside for her, especially if the invites are super-gorgeous -- she can include it in her wedding album.

Q. My fiance and I think many weddings focus too much on the bride.  We are trying to make our wedding about us as a couple, and we would like to have a couple shower.  Our families love the idea but don't have a clue about planning this kind of party.  How does it work?

A. A couple shower is more like a cocktail or dinner party than a bridal shower.  Both female and male relatives and close friends are invited.  The party still revolves around gifts, but they are presented to both the bride and the groom.  The soiree can range from an afternoon barbecue at your parents' place to dinner at your favorite restaurant or a banquet hall.  There are no hard-and-fast rules about planning a couple shower, so do what feels best.
 

Q. How can you shower a bride who doesn't want a shower and generally wants to keep all things pertaining to the wedding low-key?

A. Etiquette for any maid of honor -- be it a first wedding or an eighth or ninth -- is to be there for the bride, listen to what she wants, and then act accordingly. If she doesn't want a shower, that's one less thing for the maid of honor to handle. As an alternative plan, arrange a one-on-one outing for just the two of you -- it will feel intimate and warm (like a mini-shower) minus the hoopla. For a traditional, ladylike experience, think about taking her to a tea parlor for a heart-to-heart. If she's not into tea, think about going out for coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or to a spa for massages. The idea is to do something together, on you, to celebrate her upcoming wedding.

Q. Does the groom attend the shower?

A. Grooms usually don't attend showers -- can you imagine going to the bachelor party?  Many women love the "girls only" shower aspect (tea, lace, girl talk) . If you want your sweetie there, try a couple shower -- a party for both of you with a coed guest list.  These are becoming increasingly popular.  If you want a traditional bridal shower, but would like the groom to make an appearance, nothing says he can't.  Just be sure he's comfortable with his cameo.

Q. The bride already has all those household items usually given at showers. Any ideas for interesting theme showers that will result in loot she can actually use?

A. There are plenty of great themes that aren't focused on domestic gift-giving. How about a "experiential" theme? Friends could give lessons for cooking, calligraphy, sculpting, or ballroom dancing. Other ideas: Museum/health-club memberships; a concert, ballet, or opera series; or a spa weekend. If your friend is a wine buff, a Wine Cellar theme with wine glasses, corkscrew, wine rack, and wine-tasting classes as gifts will hit the spot. Is she into outdoorsy activities? Gifts like gardening tools, skis, hiking/camping equipment, binoculars, and even a gas grill will be the perfect accompanimen

Q. Can the MOG host a separate shower for the bride, inviting only the groom's family and some of her dear friends and neighbors, if they live far away from the bride's friends and relatives?

A. It's most traditional to have just one shower, hosted by the bride's attendants (or her family), with the MOG and other groom family members included on the guest list. Even so, many brides will have a several showers -- one at work, one at a spa with friends, one back home at her mom's. So it's actually okay (and pretty common) for a bride to be feted by the groom's family in addition to the "original" shower. Just make sure to touch base with the bride's maid of honor (or whoever is hosting the other shower) to let her know that your decision to throw a separate shower is because of the distance. Also, to avoid stepping on any toes, host your shower after the fact, not before. Remember, the point of a shower is for all of the women close to the bride to come together for a few hours of gift-giving, good eats, and female bonding. If the two camps aren't able to mingle, everyone should try to keep the bride's interests at heart and go from there.

Q. I live in Michigan, my maid of honor (the only attendant) lives in Washington, D.C., and the wedding is in Southern California. My MOH asked me about my shower, but I'm as clueless as she is -- most of my friends are dispersed. The plane tickets to attend the wedding will be pricey enough, and most of us are paying off student loans.  Is it possible to have the shower a day or two before the wedding?

A. Your MOH could throw a surprise shower in D.C. that she invites you to (maybe for a "long weekend" to visit her), or she might conspire with your mom to plan a shower in your hometown.  But if it gets too complicated and expensive, it's fine to have a shower once everyone's in town for the big day.  Tell your MOH to keep it low-key -- it could even be a de-stressing night of videos and popcorn with the girls -- since so much else will be happening during that week. Remember that you don't have to have a shower.  It's not required.

1. INVITE RIGHT
Don't invite anyone not invited to the wedding, but don't feel pressure to include everyone invited, either.  The engagement party is a more intimate affair than your wedding, and it's nice to keep it small, especially if your two families are meeting for the first time.  Don't feel guilty about not inviting your work chums. Consider making it a family-only affair -- or doing two parties, one for family and one with friends, to maximize your time with each group.


2. REGISTER EARLY
Gifts are optional at an engagement party, but it's smart to register for a few items in case people ask family or friends what they can get you (never tell people where you are registered or what you want).  If you feel awkward about the gift issue, write on invites, "Your presence is your gift!"  People will feel let off the hook, but are still free to get you a present if they want to.

3. STASH GIFTS
When people bring gifts, thank them profusely and ask whether they would mind if you opened it after the party.  If they insist you open it on the spot, do so away from other guests so that you don't guilt-trip party-goers who did not come bearing gifts.  Send a short thank-you note that mentions the gift as soon as possible after the party.

4. PAY TO PLAY
If you are hosting your own party at a restaurant, don't ask guests to pony up cash contributions.  If you're doing the inviting, then it's your responsibility to foot the bill.  If dinner is too expensive, consider a tea party or happy hour instead.